Parents often ask me, "How can I best support my child or teen?" My answer, "Be empathic." Listen to what your kid has to say, try to understand his/her feelings, and view situations from his/her perspective. You do not have to share your child's feelings or agree with them. What is important is that you have compassion for your child's feelings, that you show you care.
Being empathic does not mean accepting inappropriate behaviors, giving in to unreasonable demands, or not pushing your child to undertake challenges. As Kenneth Barish, PhD, an expert on parenting notes, empathy is not indulgence. You can empathize with your child or teen and still impose limits and expectations that your kid needs to feel secure and to thrive.
For many parents empathy comes naturally. These parents may have been raised by empathic parents; absent that, they may have been particularly sensitive and self-reflective growing up. Others learn the value of tending to feelings through their own therapy. Empathic parents nurture kids who more easily rebound from disappointment and frustration, who accept responsibility for their actions, and who understand and have confidence in their thoughts and feelings. Parents who forge empathic connections bolster their kid's self-esteem.
For those raised by controlling parents - parents who gave orders, expected strict compliance, who held rigid expectations, who did not listen to their kids - the idea of empathizing with their child can feel foreign. Unknowingly, these parents may end up being dismissive of their child's experiences and feelings. Lack of parental attunement can result in a child who is defiant, who does not feel valued or in control of his/her choices, and who is filled with sadness and self-doubt.
I encourage parents to tune into their kid's feelings to get a handle on the emotions that underlie his/her behavior. If your child or teen comes home from school and snaps at you unexpectedly, for instance, first try to figure out what your child experienced that day. With a better understanding of your child's underlying emotions, you may react differently to his/her behavior.
Carol Sampson, LCSW is a psychotherapist with a private practice in Fairfield, CT. She sees teens, pre-teens, parents and adults and can be visited at www.carolsampsonlcsw.com
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