It was about a month ago in early January when many people made New Year’s resolutions. They were excited about the fresh start of the New Year and their honest intention was to effect real change for 2012. However, less than a month later for the most part their resolutions are out the window and all bets are off.
We’re all familiar with the oft-repeated quote attributed to Albert Einstein (although some suggest it was Rita Mae Brown who said it) which is: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” While we may smile since we have heard that numerous times, it still holds true for the vast majority of us. We do the same things over and over and do expect different results.
As the list of failed resolutions will attest, we have trouble changing ourselves. What is so interesting though is no matter how hard it is for us to change ourselves, we still think that we can change other people!
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In personal relationships, if we want someone to change, we’ll repeat our request to that person over and over again. We may ask them sweetly at first, then ask them adamantly, and then finally even yell at them! We think that if we only say it in the right way at the right time, that we will ultimately succeed. We may also try to convince, cajole, and coerce. We’ll try and try and rarely give up, all with the hope that we can get them to change in the ways that we want them to!
Parents also do this with their children. They explain, they negotiate, and they plead. They think that they can force-feed motivation to their child just by saying the right words. And, if their child doesn’t change, they feel as if they have failed. They believe that it’s their fault for not being convincing or “motivating” enough. The truth is, you cannot motivate other people or children to change and so the ineffective cycle goes on and on.
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What to do? Well, first off we must accept the fact that we cannot change anyone. And I am not referring to just saying those words, but actually living them. What we can do is make our desires known, we can help make it easier for them to change, and we can set up consequences for a lack of change. We can also inspire them to want to change by setting a great example. At the end of the day however, it is really their choice and their choice alone to make.
In coaching, we'll discuss the changes that an individual wants to make, and then explore the things that get in their way. Sometimes we discover that they don’t really want to change, and that they're trying to do it to make someone else happy. Or, it’s not until we explore the consequences of not changing (for instance in health matters) that they ultimately decide they must change. Or, we discover that they do want to make some changes, but don’t have a clue as to how to go about it. So, we agree to accountability, design a plan, and set small goals that are achievable. We also celebrate ourselves for our wins and for working towards change. We build upon those wins; identify significant milestones of achievement, and set-up rewards along the way.
For an adult, the reward may be good health, a better relationship, or being able to fit into their skinny clothes. For a child, it may be better grades and the pride that comes from that, along with an afternoon hike at a new locale. The point is that the reward doesn’t have to be store bought, since good grades, good health, and new positive experiences build self-esteem. And self-esteem is a far more long-lasting and powerful reward than something you can buy.
So don’t get discouraged. People can decide to change and so make positive changes every single day. And many of these changes are long-term and permanent. Just remember however, that a new approach and a new plan of action may be precisely what is needed. At least Albert Einstein thought so when he said “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
Life Coach Liz Hoffmann, BA, MBA, CPC owns Atlas Coaching LLC. She works with clients in her Fairfield Center Office by appointment. For a free initial consultation and to discuss if coaching is right for you, or to schedule an appointment with Liz, please send her an email at Liz@AtlasCoaching.net Or for more information please visit her website at http://www.AtlasCoaching.net
