When You Are Less, Do You Get More?

If I pose the question "when you are less, do you get more”, what if anything comes to mind? For some of us it will mean that if I just get along and don't standout too much, things will be good. If I can be just be "less" in terms of what I put out there, then I will get "more". More people to care about me, more people to accept me, and more people to love me. The flip side of this would be that when I am more, I end up getting less. If I’m more than my partner, more than my peers, or more than what I should be, I will get less love.

Speaking for many women, we are often encouraged to be lovely, to be nice, and to get along with everyone. We often censor what we say because we don't want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I remember back when I was in high school and I chose to hide my report card from my boyfriend. I hid it because while we both took the same classes, I had gotten much better grades. I was worried that if he saw my high grades that he might feel bad, or worse yet, not like me anymore. To speak metaphorically, I had learned from past experience that sometimes my "shine" was experienced as blinding to those whom I wanted to like me most. Clearly it was their issue, but it became my issue when they decided to leave. So when all was said and done, it was I who paid the price. Less love, less acceptance, and less of what I thought I wanted.

So back to my original question: are there every times when you make a conscious decision to appear less than you are so that you can get more? You may know more about a subject than your partner, but chose to hold back since you know that your knowledge will not be well-received. You may fear that if you speak your truth, that you could be perceived as aggressive, argumentative, or perhaps a "know-it-all”. And even though your knowledge is something that you worked hard to acquire and are proud of, you still hold back. You have learned that it is more acceptable to take a back seat and let other people shine.

I am all in favor of being congenial and getting along but that is different than being less. Prior to my transition into executive and personal coaching, I was a VP of Sales for CBS networks. In that role, my ability to forge strong relationships and get along with clients was paramount. And because it was business and not personal, they relied upon me to be forthcoming with my expertise, relied on me to articulate my recommendations, and relied on me to disagree if I felt it necessary. I did this and it felt great. Felt great to have strong relationships and also be accepted for who I was, which included all of me. I approach my personal relatioships much the same way, and while I may have less friends than I did in the past, the friendships that I do have are much more authentic, more satisfying and more balanced.

We all have to manage relationships in ways that work best for us. And as a coach, I would ask that you look at how the important relationships in your life work, or don’t work for you. Yes, you may be succesful at keeping the peace, but you may also be losing a part of yourself in the process. And if you shut down those parts of yourself for too long, when you go to reclaim them after years and years of neglect, they may no longer be there. And one more thing, the strengths that you have, or shiny spots as I like to call them, are gifts and those gifts are meant to be shared with the world. 

“Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.” - Marianne Williamson

If you liked this post, please let me know!

Executive and Personal Coach Liz Hoffmann, BA, MBA, CPC owns Atlas Coaching LLC.  She works with clients in her Fairfield Center Office by appointment.  For a free initial consultation to discuss if coaching is right for you and to schedule an appointment with Liz, please send her an email at Liz@AtlasCoaching.net  Or for more information visit her website at http://www.AtlasCoaching.net